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Buddhist Hour
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Buddhist Hour Script 327 for Sunday 2 May, 2004


This script is entitled: Friendliness - The First of Our 5 Styles

Today we are going to talk about practising and developing the first of our five styles of friendliness, cultural adaptability, professionalism, scholarship, and practicality.

On 1 February 2004, during the Buddhist hour, we outlined The Code of Conduct for Members and Students of the Chan Academy Australia, Buddhist Discussion Centre (Upwey) Ltd. as recommended by our late Founder, Master John D. Hughes.

This Code of Conduct is comprised of 12 items to be incorporated into our daily Buddha Dhamma practice, and reviewed regularly. The 12 items are as follows:

Practice and develop morality.
Practice and develop generosity.
Practice kindness, in the Pali language metta.
Practice and develop refuge in the Triple Gem.
Practice and develop Buddhist meditation.
Practice and develop merit making.
Develop your scholarship.
Whenever you take food or liquid, do "Five Reflections on Food".
Support Buddhist Organisations locally, nationally and internationally.
Practice and develop our five styles of friendliness, cultural adaptability, professionalism, scholarship, and practicality.
Plan to become debtless.
Write a life plan.

Be careful what you wish for, it will come true.

Our Members and students successfully live their lives according to Buddha Dhamma by following the above recommendations. Their lives improve and they become happier.

The tenth item in our Code of Conduct is to practice and develop our five styles of friendliness, cultural adaptability, professionalism, scholarship, and practicality.

We aim to develop these five styles, each for himself or herself, to work in and generate harmony no matter where we are.

Today we look at the first of the five styles, which is friendliness.

Most human beings are not born friendly. Young babies display anger. Friendship is developed with rigorous training. If human beings were born friendly, our civilisation would not have a history of warfare.

Living in delusion of their own ill-will, most people respond to the myth of having a 'permanent friend'.

There are many cases in history where the false friend directed nations to war with other nations.

For all but a few, this myth does not come to reality.

However, there are training systems taught by Shakyamuni Buddha which can make this mythical friendship an actuality in this world.

The training creates a state of mental health that goes beyond 'simple loyalty' and has nothing to do with 'blind loyalty' or 'blind attachment' or some sort of fixation that is without any real reflection or understanding on what is happening in the mind.

There may be comfort in a notion that there is someone who you can trust and call on to help you when in need. However, is this notion ever likely to be actualised in your human life?

There is a saying known by followers of Buddha that 'friends become enemies and enemies become friends'.

One of the major errors Buddha warned his followers against was the danger of eternalistic thought.

To take refuge in a friend is an error of mind. You must learn to be a friend to yourself.

Your friend may die tomorrow and you may not know his or her place of rebirth and in any case he or she most probably will have forgotten everything they knew about you by that time.

What happiness can be found in that?

If you are inclined to a sense of irony you might say you can always rely on your enemies to continue the attempt to thwart you in your work, pleasure and sleep. They will not fail to annoy you if you let them.

However, it is not useful to push this example. If you are inclined to be of a hateful temperament the thought of your enemies will cause you to heat up and that will only bring sickness and shorten your life.

What happiness can be found in that?

Rather than being led by the continual flow of kammic inclinations that brings friends together out of past causes, it is possible to create good causes that builds true and wise friendships.

It is a matter of knowing the right priorities and the correct order to practice them.

Friendships based on emotional maturity are not flawed whereas friendships that operate from a base of kammic outcomes, which are essentially conditioned by views and opinions (pali : sanna), expectations (pali : sankharas) and feelings (pali : vedhana) are flawed.

The normal interpretation to which persons refer to as 'friendship' is one based upon 'having something', such as the ownership of the other person where reciprocity is a condition of the friendship.

It is not possible to understand friendship without first experiencing it, each for himself or herself. Our experiences so far have been flawed because of the many causes coming back to us now which were created in past lifetimes.

The need to build friendships is supposedly nascent in all persons, but it is better to treat that as fiction until we have developed stable, friendly disposition towards ourselves.

Generally we do not want to be alone, but in fact we were born in pain, alone. Neither our mother nor our best friend could be born for us and we are not spontaneously born beings, we are womb born.

No one can escape death and we die alone.

No one can delegate our death to a 'best friend'.

Your friends probably won't be able to guide you when you die even if they were at your deathbed.

Friendliness (in pali : adosa) is a wholesome state of mind (pali : kusula cetasika) and the way to attain this wholesome state is taught at our Centre.

With regular training, it takes about four to ten years.

Over time, we have developed savoir faire for increasing the depth of knowledge fields and friendliness on our web sites.

In the case of our flagship publication Buddha Dhyana Dana Review, we know how to increase the depth of knowledge fields we present to our readers in our publications.

In the case of the Brooking Street Bugle, we know how to increase the very human approach of the publication.

To encourage our Internet visitors to return to our web sites, we have decided to concentrate on practicality and friendliness on one site, Brooking Street Bugle, found at www.bsbonline.com.au and scholarship and professionalism on another, Buddha Dhyana Dana Review, at www.bddronline.net.au

We all have friends of one sort or another. Wisdom is knowing how to cultivate the right kind of friends.

'The perfect friendship is that between good men (women) alike in their virtue.' Aristotle 340BC

Friendship comes from two persons practicing the same set of abilities. One of these abilities is the practice of friendliness. Friendliness is one of the 24 wholesome minds to be cultivated in Buddha Dhamma. The first of the building block towards the cultivation of these wholesome minds is confidence (saddha in Pali).

This practice is a pre requisite of a much higher form of emotional maturity known as caga (pali). Caga is the best and most powerful tool to cultivate togetherness sufficient that the persons meet in a future life as close friends or husband and wife who can live peacefully together for a long time.

After using the practice of friendship, persons can develop metta ( in Pali) translated as lovingkindness.

Well kept gardens welcome new visitors. One mental factor needed to greet new persons is friendliness.

We all have friends of one sort or another. Wisdom is knowing how to cultivate the right kind of friends.

'The perfect friendship is that between good men (women) alike in their virtue.'
Aristotle 340BC

Friendship comes from two persons practising the same set of abilities. One of these abilities is the practice of friendliness. Friendliness is one of the 24 wholesome minds to be cultivated in Buddha Dhamma. The first of the building block towards the cultivation of these wholesome minds is confidence (saddha in Pali).

This practice is a pre requisite of a much higher form of emotional maturity known as caga (pali). Caga is the best and most powerful tool to cultivate togetherness sufficient that the persons meet in a future life as close friends or husband and wife who can live peacefully together for a long time.

After using the practice of friendship, persons can develop metta ( in Pali) translated as lovingkindness.

Our policy favours teaching in small groups even though the economic cost is high because the small group dynamics can more easily evolve to personal contact on a first name basis, than if we taught a crowd of thousands. Personal abilities may be stored over time and new skills taught and retained.

But a strong beginning is needed at the commencement of practice.


Friendship is a deliberate choice about helping certain others in suitable ways. Not all persons can be your friend. Some persons do not wish to be helped by you or anyone else so they cannot be your friends. They exist outside your peer group in a class of persons who are about to lose rebirth as a human. They might be born as animals.

Assembling in real friendship is an active choice that overcomes laziness to help those who may wish to become our friends in future. We encourage corrupt persons who refuse to attempt to do this to leave and find other organisations, less demanding than we are in this regard. We cannot tolerate the poison they bring here because it helps no one.

In time, the joyous effort of being friendly to other beings arises from actively engaging in helping them. It is this energetic application of the joyous practice of benefiting living beings that leads one to good friends.

You cannot acquire good friends by theory or money, only by actions. Through expelling laziness, all physically related things can be used to give rise to moral states. This may be as simple as offering tea or coffee or soft drinks to other Members. This act brings ten blessings. We offer many drinks to Members and visitors year. It is a very important part of our culture to make persons feel comfortable.

Over time, from repeating mindfully these disciplined single acts, comes the knowledge of the basis of true and wise friendship conditions. They create the conditions conducive for 'adosa' in Pali - meaning no hate. But we must find the Middle Way in such things. Not to hate means not to be too lazy, and to be friendly and active in serving others.

Venerable Master Hsing Yun explains that we were born with hands to work, legs to walk, eyes to see, ears to listen and a mouth to speak. He teaches us that when we do not use what we are born with, we become useless. If we become lazy, we will lead disjoint lives.

An amusing story is told by Venerable Master Hsing Yun about a lazy couple who had a dog.

1.Once there was a very lazy family whose parents would not do any housework. They asked the children to do [the work]. The children refused to and made the dog do the work. The poor dog had no choice, so it swept the floor with its tail, wiped the furniture with its body, and watered the plants holding the hose in its mouth. One day, a visitor came to the house and was surprised to find the dog doing all the chores. "Oh! The little dog is so capable, it can do housework!" The dog replied, "I had no choice, they are lazy and made me do [it]!" The visitor was shocked and exclaimed, "The dog can talk!" The dog quickly responded, "Shhh! Don't let them know that I can talk, or else they'll make me answer the phone too!"

It is evident that the dog lacked friendship in its family setting. The dog's good actions were a chore. How many of your friends are like the dog?

To increase the practice of our friendliness we must reduce or overcome being lazy. For example, do you know that some persons have great thirst? If you offer someone a cup of tea do you offer them a second or a third cup of tea? In a busy life, we find at our Centre it is not uncommon for a person to arrive somewhat dehydrated. They are too busy at work to keep up their fluid balance. In the long term, this causes them to be unwell. We often act in friendship to re-hydrate busy persons who come to visit us. They are easier to teach if we make them comfortable. We believe that attending to physical comfort wants is vital before we counsel persons.

Buddhist texts, such as the Dhammapada, explain to us the beneficial outcomes which arise from the cultivation of friendliness.

Venerable Doctor K. Sri Dhammananda Nayaka Maha Thera has written a commentary of his translation of the Dhammapada primarily for the benefit of modern readers who have not had the opportunity to read the original Pali version. His commentary entitled The Dhammapada contains stories, beautiful illustrations and comprehensive introduction which elucidates the wide scope and meaning of the 423 verses of the Dhammapada.

The Venerable Maha Thera notes:

"The reading, understanding and appreciation of the Dhammapada in its classical form generally presents no difficulties to traditional Buddhists who are familiar with the cultural milieu in which it was composed. However, modern readers, especially those who come from non-Asian religious backgrounds, may be skeptical and wonder whether the stories which relate the circumstances under which they were uttered represent the actual historical occurrences or whether they are merely fanciful folktales imagined by their authors.

They would find some of the stories trivial, repetitious, and even far fetched. It is true that these stories are not completely free from mythology, legend and exaggeration.

Possibly the best attitude to adopt is to keep an open mind and concern oneself more with the moral of the story and the point that is being illustrated."

Over 200 English translations have been made of this most popular Canon over the last century. The Dhammapada (The path of Dhamma).

There are 423 verses in the Dhammapada. (in Pali language). One translation of Verse 291 reads :

He who seeks his own happiness by inflicting pain on others,
being entangled by bonds of enmity,
cannot be free from enmity.

In Pali this is:
Para dukkhupadanena - attano sukkham icchati
Vera samsagga samsattho - vera so na parimuccati

We would gloss this translation to read 'he' as 'he or 'she', since Buddha Dhamma is not sexist.

The story which accompanies this translation of verse 291 is a striking example of making the point about how a real endless chain of sad effects can follow unfriendly acts.

The story runs:

"Once there lived a woman in a village near Savatthi. She kept a hen and every time it laid an egg, the woman would break it up. The hen was very angry and as a result, she was reborn as a cat and the woman was reborn a hen in the same house. The cat ate up the eggs of the hen.

In their next existence, the hen became a leopard and the cat became a deer. The leopard ate up the deer as well as its offspring. Thus their feud continued for several existences.

At the time of the Buddha, one of them was born as a woman and the other as an ogress.

On one occasion, the woman was returning from the house of her parents to her own house near Savatthi. Her husband and her young son were also with her. While they were resting near the pond by the roadside, her husband went to bathe in the pond.

At that moment, the woman saw the ogress who appeared in human form and she recognised her as her old enemy. Taking her child, she fled from the spirit straight to the monastery where the Buddha was expounding the Dhamma and put her child at his feet. The ogress who was in hot pursuit of the woman was prevented from entering the monastery.

Summoning the ogress to his presence, the Buddha admonished both of them for their long and bitter feud, "If you two had not come to me today, your enmity would have continued endlessly. Enmity cannot be appeased by enmity; it can only be appeased by loving kindness."

Reflecting on the admonition, both realised the futility of their hatred, both admitted their mistakes and resolved not to continue with their senseless feud."

We teach Members how to break the endless chain of family feuds they set up in past lives between their present family relations.

Often we tend to choose selected Members of our biological family to be true friends. This may or may not be successful. Why do we like some of our family Members more than others? This is kamma from past lives - how we treated them then may be repeated in this life. If we treated them badly in the past, we might not be surprised they dislike us now.

At our Centre we practice to override our kammic impulses of like and dislike towards our in-laws and others.

Members seek to cultivate family actions that are friendly and we think most Members might be expected to be a good friend to at least some non-family Members who are Members. This shows up on team projects.

Our Members are instructed to establish themselves in mindfulness with the thought "Let goodly co-mates in the righteous life come here in the future, and let those that have already come live happily". This teaching is in accordance with the seven conditions of communal stability explained to Venerable Ananda by Buddha at Digha-Nikaya.

The wording is expressed in quaint language of 'co-mates' because the translation was done about 80 years ago but to us, it has a deep field of meaning.


Abandoning false friendship is not an end in itself in Buddha Dhamma but a stepping stone means towards better accomplishment of a clear mind.

To attain a clear mind, many of our regular actions must be changed in the correct order.

Firstly, we must decide we deserve to practice for our happiness. We choose to fix ourselves up by behaviour change. Secondly, we decide it is mental weakness to decline to move away from enemies who masquerade as friends.

For example, persons who drink alcohol or use non-medical drugs ought never to be cultivated as true friends. We cannot support those who want us to admire their vices. If we reinforce their erroneous views we do not help them towards a sober life.

We are under their harmful influence. If we think we are too weak to control our minds, it is better we avoid such persons completely. We cut them off. It is mental weakness to give in to the familiar. It is perhaps a bit too dramatic to say our false friends feed on our blood (life force) like vampires but this expression does focus on their potential harm to our well being.

Blind loyalty to a corrupt companion as seen in some marriages is a form of martyrdom that has no place in Buddha Dhamma. The divorce rate appears to represent a social trend operating relatively independently of the state of the law and does not appear to have changed much in a century although the recorded figures may have.

When we cease to associate with our false friends who lack precepts we are turning towards the Middle Path and we trust we will meet more Noble persons in the future. This is a fact that happens when we change our culture.

If we stay in the delusion that low friends are a blessing to us, we are operating on a system that is contrary to the essence of Buddha Dhamma.

We cannot blend parts of incompatible systems with success.

Merging techniques grounded in incompatible conceptual frameworks is fraught with risk.

Although such merges may appease a predilection for experimentation or eclecticism, it seems likely that their long term effect will be to create a certain 'cognitive dissonance' that will reverberate through the deeper levels of the psyche and stir up even greater confusion.

Karmically, we are driven to like or dislike persons. However, it is incompatible with Buddha Dhamma to have love for the wicked. Such relationships are the cause of dissonance, or mental instability in the short term and sorrow in the medium term.

Friendship is not an end in itself in Buddha Dhamma. In the end, we might be said to transcend friendship. It is a means to accomplishing a clear mind. But, for the present, if the friendship means are flawed, the friendship end will not be attained by us.

The properties of a sound friend are clearly defined in the Buddhist Canon and are well known. Such friends in Dhamma help our practice and advise us on the right path.

Persons who in a supposed friendship cannot control their anger lose all the benefits of making merit. We must avoid them till we are mature.

Next week we will examine the second of our five styles, cultural adaptability.

May our listeners arrive at the position where they cease associating with persons who do not keep five precepts. May they associate with beings who keep five or more precepts and have wisdom to share.

May you live a happy and contented life with goodly co-mates now and in the future.

May you be well and happy.

This script was written and edited by [the late] John D. Hughes, Pam Adkins, Frank Carter, Leanne Eames, Evelin Halls, Jocelyn Hughes, Lisa Nelson, Julie O'Donnell, Anita Svensson and Pennie White.


References:

http://www.bdcublessings.net.au/radio185.html, Avoiding Mental Weakness Arising from Poor Choices in Friendship

http://www.bdcublessings.net.au/radio316.html, Morality Ð the Foundation Stone of Buddha Dhamma practice

http://www.bdcublessings.net.au/radio131.html, The importance of cultivating 'true and wise friends'


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